Swimmer Michael Phelps has been caught in a picture with a smoking device of some sort. Apparently this is a scandalous act, so much so that he’s losing the endorsement of Kellogg’s. According to the public relations folks at Kellogg’s, it’s not the image they want to portray, and besides what will the kids think? Here’s what they’ll think — adults are full of bullshit about everything! Adults tell you that if you smoke weed, you’ll never amount to anything. You know — you won’t do something cool and respectable in your life like become President of the United States, the Governor of California, a Supreme Court Justice, etc. How does that jibe with fourteen career gold medals now?
Anyway, good luck on trying to tell kids not to do anything else that might be considered a bad habit or even impure, especially masturbation. John Harvey Kellogg, the inventor of corn flakes, was so obsessed with such things that he took a note from Rev. Sylvester Graham, the inventor of the graham cracker. Bland foods supposedly prevent self-stimulation. I’m sure that’s not the image that Kellogg’s would want to portray.
Now, I know Graham’s stated purpose for the graham cracker was to curb masturbatory tendencies, but maybe graham crackers could have been used to keep Phelps off the bong. I’d pretty sure that Michael Phelps would probably want to eat one (or many more) boxes of graham crackers or corn flakes after smoking out. Maybe instead of letting him loose as a Wheaties shill, they should have made him eat a few bowls. Bowls of cereal, that is, not anything to do with Mary Jane. Heck, I’d bet that if they kept him on, Wheaties’ sales would go through the roof, making it the new stoner snack of choice. Move over, Baked Cheetos.
It’s times like this that I’m glad my preferred cereal is Original Fiber One by General Mills. Not only does each 60 calorie, 1/2 cup serving give you 57% of your daily fiber requirements, it still allows you to masturbate and enjoy a jay afterwards. Well, it doesn’t explicitly state that on the box, but I’m almost sure that’s the case. And better yet, a diet high in fiber may prevent ass cancer. So have an entire cup of Fiber One and give your health 114%. Avoiding ass cancer –I’d take that over a gold medal any day.
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