Well, I don’t technically have cash in hand yet. I have made sure that with the passage of the recent so-called “stimulus” bill, I wasn’t personally left out. You see, bills are typically hundreds of pages long. Because of this fact, most elected representatives don’t actually read the bills before they vote on them, so they have to take the words of those writing the bills (such as party bosses or lobbyists) about what exactly they’re voting on. This bill was no exception. Maybe congress-critters should be required to read bills before they are voted on, especially if they wanted to stop waste and have a more efficient government. Case in point, I was able to obtain $350 billion dollars as part of, err, “wireless and broadband deployment grant programs.” The text of this specific section of the bill is as follows:
wireless and broadband deployment grant programs
(including transfer of funds to Rev. Johnny Crawford for the Rev. Johnny Crawford Personal Economic Stimulus Program)
For necessary and unnecessary expenses related to the Wireless and Broadband Deployment Grant Programs established by section 6002 of division B of this Act, $2,825,000,000, of which $1,000,000,000 shall be for Wireless Deployment Grants and $1,825,000,000 shall be for Broadband Deployment Grants: Provided, That an additional $350,000,000,000 shall be paid directly to Rev. Johnny Crawford in the form of subsidized loans that do not require repayment. Provided Further, That the funds be used by Rev. Johnny Crawford to do 700,000 chicks at the same time or for whatever. Provided Even Further, That Rev. Johnny Crawford will receive free Detroit Lions tickets for life. Provided Even Further Still, That Rev. Johnny Crawford shall be treated as a cabinet-level appointment for the purpose of income tax reporting, and therefore no taxes shall be paid on any of the aformentioned benefits. And one more thing: Bob Etheridge is hereby expelled from Congress, effective immediately upon enactment.
Money for 700,000 chicks at the same time?! Now I call that a stimulus! I have a pretty good imagination, but I somehow don’t think that’s anatomically possible.
Anyway it doesn’t matter since the bill was just general and vague enough to spend the whole wad on play-doh, fast food, almost anything I can think of. The best part is that once I blow through it all, I’ll go back for Stimulus II and ask for more. Maybe I’ll ask for $350 billions in guns and ammo and call it a “green construction jobs program.”
Even though the bill’s already been passed, it’s not too late to request your own stimulus funding. Just may that sure whatever you request stimulates the economy or at least stimulates you.
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